Erg-regious!

I have done a terrible job of putting any content, even boring, unfunny and trite content (which appears to constitute most of it), on this blog in quite a while. For that dear reader, I apologize.

That said, get used to it! Well, at least for the near future as tomorrow I'm heading to LAS VEGAS baby! It's my good buddy Ward's bachelor party and we'll be there attempting to survive for 5 nights (gasp- huge error in judgment right off the bat?) during the opening weekend of the NCAA Tournament. It will be the 3rd time I've gone on this particular weekend and I've had an absolutely absurd time in both instances. I have no reason to think this weekend will be any different.

When I get back on Monday it will be two weeks and two days until my departure. It's really starting to set in now and naturally so are the nerves. Especially since I have decided to hike the Sierra de Guadarrama solo from Madrid to Segovia almost as soon as I step off the plane.

Since I'm planning a number of solo hikes on rugged and sparsely populated terrain, as well as planning to camp, couch crash, and otherwise finagle my way to cheap/free accommodations, I've decided to get all of my affairs in order prior to leaving. This, of course, means putting together a will, power of attorney, and an emergency health care directive and proxy. Yea, shit just got real.

But have no fear, I'm not planning to disappear on you dear reader! In fact, I plan to annoy you via these posts and otherwise occupy your day with my nonsense as much as possible for as long as I can. No need to thank me.

That said, getting back to the trip, I have been doing some research on Ergs (basically a dune sea), and I am most disappointed that none of my planned travels over the next year are taking me close to any. I've always wanted to ride a camel through one, or sand-board in one, or even just take some pictures. The closest I've ever come is dune-bashing in the dessert outside Dubai, but that wasn't technically an erg.

Anyway, the point of all this is that during my research I discovered that Erg Chebbi happens to be close to the town of Merzouga. Which means- I might just dip down in to Morocco and be able to hit an erg and wash up in Tangier all in one go! Well, maybe not... but a boy can dream.

Gear for the Gear-Minded

Due to popular request (James "Simba" Park) here is the actual list of gear I am taking. Obviously this is an abridged list as there is no way anyone wants to read about the type of pants I am taking or what is going in the first aid kid (hint: band-aids).

1. REI Mars 80 Pack: Technically the pack I have is a "Mars 85" as I have the large version. Apparently 6'1" is considered giant status in the world of backpacking so mine is a little longer to accommodate my exceptionally elongated torso. Incidentally, the extra length provides more space for gear- 85 liters versus 80 liters for the "normal" people pack. I also took a serious look at the Grand Tour 85 which has a really cool detachable backpack feature.

Ultimately I went with the Mars 80 for the following reasons: (1) I don't really use a backpack when touring cities- I can fit everything I need in my pockets; (2) the Mars 80 is made more for longer expeditions and is more durable, has better waterproofing, more adjustable fitting options, and better more comfortable straps; and (3) the Grand Tour is designed to carry around 15 liters of the 85 in the backpack which creates a horizontal loading versus the vertical loading of the Mars 80. Both are great packs though and I went with REI over other companies because of the lifetime warranty, great reviews, and the fact that there is one 20 mins from my Dad's house.

2. Vasque Breeze GTX Hiking Boot: This boot is outstanding. It's fully waterproofed with Gore-Tex and has a medium-flexible ankle support. And of course, two boots are better than one. After trying on numerous boots, I found I like a little bit of flexibility versus the very stiff support some of the heavier leather-clad boots were equipped with. This boot also has breathable meshing (another feature lacking in some of the heavier boots) and they weigh in at a paltry 2 pounds compared to 3+ for some of the other ones I tried on. I've taken them on three short pack hikes (3, 6, and 9 miles) and they require very little breaking in. Sure wish I had something like these when I backpacked as a youngster!


I also picked up a couple pairs of Smartwool PhD Outdoor Socks. Two pairs of light and one medium (for colder days). These are excellent well-fitting socks. Upon trying them out with the Vasque boots I think you could easily get by with the light socks for all but very cold days. The heavy ones must be designed for Everest summit attempts.

3. Marmot Ridgetop Component Jacket: Holy balls this jacket is tremendous! Let me start by saying I have always wanted a component jacket with a fleece inner lining and waterproof exterior. Well, as John Madden famously said: BOOM! This is probably my favorite item I've purchased. Fully waterproof outershell with waterproof zippers, interlocking liner, removable hood, lots of compartments, and of course- it comes in black. The neon green was intriguing but at the end of the day I'm a back in black kind of guy. I highly recommend this jacket and its components for hiking, camping, strolling around, watching tv, drinking in a bar, or for use as a makeshift shelter in the event of a cross-state police pursuit.


4. REI Passage 2 Tent: I know what you're thinking- "Mike, you are actually planning to CAMP while in Europe??" Yes, and not only that, I'm planning to do some free-camping (camping outside of designated campsites) when possible. Obviously it's very important to ASK if you can camp somewhere before you just plop down, but from what I have read sunset-to-sunrise free-camping is generally allowed provided you ask. In many places it seems that the owners of the land are more likely to insist you stay with them than camp on their land. Can't wait to throw back a few rounds of fire-water with the locals in a rustic farmhouse.

Anyway, I like this particular tent because it has a dual vestibule entryway and is around 90 inches long. It is also around 5 lbs which was average for most tents but on the lower end for two person tents (all of the one-person tents are pretty cramped). I haven't tried it out yet but from what I read it seems like a perfectly suitable tent. I only hope I can lure a sexy young coed into the tent so that I can get in a verbal tussle with her, storm out and slam the flap a la Mitch Hedberg. And with two entrances, I'll have multiple escapes to choose from.

5. North Face Dolomite 2S Sleeping Bag: I had a couple requirements when it came to a sleeping bag: (1) it had to be more than 6'1" long (there is nothing more annoying than your head sticking part of the way out); (2) it had to be rectangular (not mummy) as I have foot claustrophobia; (3) it had to be lighter than 3 lbs; and (4) it had to be less than $100 as spending more than that seemed absurd. After sifting through those requirements, the Dolomite 2S was pretty much the obvious choice. It comes in a "long" version that's 6'5" and weights in at 2.2 lbs. I would have preferred the down version which is lighter and arguably more comfortable but it was also double the price so f that noise.

I'm also bringing my old Slumberjack camp pillow. I was not originally going to take a pillow but considering I already have it and it weighs less than half a pound it seems to make sense to bring it along. The last time I used that pillow on a backpacking trip my friend Zack Garrett tripped along the trail while carrying the bags of garbage and somehow managed to fall and pin himself down underneath a pile of trash. Good memories.

6. CamelBak All Clear UV Water Purifying Bottle: One of the most important things to bring when you are doing extended hikes through rough or unsettled terrain is a way to purify water from local sources. When I was a youngster we used tablets which turned the water an unsavory light brown and had an equally unsavory taste. Since those formative years there have been great advances in water purification. The most easy to use option is UV purification. Until recently one of the better options appears to have been the SteriPEN which is exactly as it sounds- a "pen" you swirl around in the water for a minute or so until it is purified.

Within the last month or so, however, CamelBak released a bottle with a purifying top. You simply fill with water, press the button and agitate for 60 seconds. The best part is that the cap fits any standard CamelBak water bottle (of which I happen to have another) so you just purify one bottle, fill any other CamelBak bottle, and then transfer the cap and purify that. It also comes with a regular cap and a case to keep the purifying top. I think it is good for 10,000 cycles and it was about $10 more than the SteriPEN. Clearly this is THE water purifying option of choice.

Other than those items, most of the remaining gear is relatively standard. I did buy a pair of New Balance 993's for general walking around but that was less about the trip and more the product of me not having bought a new pair of sneakers in about 3 years.

Thoughts of the Unemployed Man

Now that I have been jobless for over two months I think it is high time I reflect on some of the nuances of my new daily life as well as some observations that escaped me during my years of steady gainful employment.

First off, and most obviously, I no longer have a set time to awaken- granted the group I worked for was exceptionally lenient in that regard. Mercifully there was never the mandate to be plopped in my chair by the ungodly hour of 9am. As a reasonable gentleman, however, I tried to make an appearance by 10 or 10:30 at the latest. Although I was often in that office well past midnight on many many nights, I always felt a sense of duty to show my face with at least an hour to spare until lunch time.

Now- I have no such feelings of duty (or shame) and justly can get up whenever the hell I feel like it. Then again, there is also no endless series of work tasks to be completed keeping me up until the wee hours of the morning. Not to mention that without the work related stress I'm actually able to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night. Wunderbar! All that said, there is absolutely no justifiable reason why I shouldn't be going to bed at a reasonable hour and arising likewise. Well, except for one: there is duly no justifiable reason why I should drag my ass out of bed any earlier than 11am... at least on a weekday. Let's keep it respectable. And since sloth is strictly prohibited by the Bible, that must mean it's pretty awesome. So until a need otherwise arises, I shall not.

Going hand-in-hand with my new time table for awakening from slumber, I have discovered that eating lunch is now optional. In the old pre-jobless days, one absolutely needed to fortify themselves for the onslaught of afternoon calls, meetings, nonsensical paperwork, and the like with a large dose of hearty fare. A personal favorite of mine was a grilled chicken sandwich with pesto and fresh mozzarella (or mootz as spoken by my dear faux-Italian buddies) and a large side of macaroni and cheese. Stick to the ribs goodness.

As I don't even consider peeking my head out of the covers until most working people have hit their third cup of coffee, a large lunch seems superfluous. Since, as I will get into more detail below, my average day consists of going to the gym, reading a book, watching ESPN, reading about which dictator has been deposed or inserted on CNN.com, plucking nose-hairs, driving around aimlessly, and occasionally playing a round of golf, I have found I can subside on either: (a) a banana; (b) a slice of toast; or (c) nothing in the hours between awakening and dinner.

Speaking of watching ESPN, it is only once you have absorbed 5 hours of consecutive daytime programming that you realize a fundamental truth: ESPN should only exist between the hours of 6pm-12am. OK OK, I know what you're thinking. As the magnanimous (and modest) soul I am, I'll even acquiesce to 1-2 hours of morning programming for those in need of a sports fix prior to their prolonged life-sucking daily commute. Anything else is nothing more than filler and an immense waste of airtime that could otherwise be allocated to awesome infomercials such as the Back2Life. Badass.

I came to this conclusion a few weeks back. One weekday mid-afternoon I was watching First Take. Skip Bayless was on with intermittent guests such as Kordell Stewart and Michael Smith. The last topic they were discussing was something along the lines of a reverse racial bias Tim Tebow was receiving (or not) for being an "athlete quarterback" versus a "throwing quarterback." Or whatever. Anyway, Skip and Kordell had their say and there was another woman who was just about to pipe up and the moderator cut her off saying they had run out of time. How unfortunate.

The screen faded out and then back in to the title screen of the next program on air- Sports Nation. As soon as the jingle was done, the cameras focus in to reveal none other than Skip Bayless, Kordell Stewart and the same woman from the program before. Wearing the exact same clothes. And would you guess it, the first topic was whether Tim Tebow was receiving racial bias. And each person literally repeated the same things they had on the prior show- with the exception that the poor woman was vindicated with the opportunity to speak her mind. Score one for the suffrage movement! Later, this same topic was discussed on Around the Horn and PTI, and I'd wager if I was awake before 11am I would have heard it on Mike and Mike in the Morning. Talk about stretching the programming agenda.

Instead of 6-8 hours of that nonsense, I'd rather them just line up all those clowns and give them 5 seconds a piece. Skip? "I agree with it.", Tony? "That's ridiculous", Mike? "Opposite of whatever Tony said." "Great stuff guys. Thank you for watching ESPN daytime. Now, back to your regularly scheduled infomercials." Cue the Back2Life.

So anyway. Walmart. Where to begin? For one, I haven't been inside a Walmart in probably 7 years, but I'm thrilled to report they are still hawking the same low-priced low-quality wares that I so fondly remember. For example, I got a tremendous neon-yellow traffic vest for $3.50!!

Ok as an aside, I may have made one small omission in regards to quality- for some strange reason the produce there is much better tasting than what I can get at Lowes Foods, Harris Teeter, or Food Lion. Recently I've had some outstanding Walmart tomatoes. In February. I know right! I'm not sure if that's because they are frankentomatoes or what, but frankenly- I don't care. I've had about all I can stand of the organic, farm-raised, free range, hypoallergenic food craze. At this point, I don't care if the tomatoes are bionic, as long as they taste like tomatoes and not shitty tomatoes.

One difference I did come across at Walmart is the makeup of the day-shift patrons. I suppose I had never really roamed the cavernous aisles of a Super Walmart during daylight hours but, much to my surprise, the average age of shoppers between the hours of 2-4pm appears to be 72. And that including yours truly in the average. I guess I shouldn't be shocked considering they are likely on the same retirement program I am (albeit perhaps not transient). Needless to say, the average cart speed during those hours is a paltry 0.2 mph. As such, my NASCAR-style shopping antics were not roundly appreciated.


So, dress code. For 5+ years it was a button down long sleeve shirt, slacks or suit pants, dark socks, dress shoes, and (during the appropriate times/seasons) a blazer. Since being unemployed, I am no longer dressing for success but merely dressing. A typical legging attire usually consists of linen pants, gym shorts, or nothing. Similarly, for my torso I usually wear a shirt. Any will do. My favorite, and most oft seen, ensemble consists of black gym pants, a tshirt, and a nylon black jacket. It's a very similar look to the black track suits Chaz and his kids wear at the end of the Royal Tenenbaums. Just wish I had that hair:


Finally, as you may have surmised, I occasionally find myself having trouble filling the day. There is only so much time one can spend sleeping, getting things together for a trip, playing golf, reading, surfing the internet, and re-organizing a vintage porn collection. Normally I would occupy the spare hours with a hefty bout of drinking, but to do so on a regular basis seems counterproductive to my daily gym attendance. Until I come up with something better to do, however, I guess I'll keep cruising gas stations and shopping cart drag racing the old folks at Walmart.

New York: (Re)visited

Last week I had the opportunity to return to New York for a few days of revelry and other brouhaha. While I was unable to see everyone I would have liked during my brief visit, I nonetheless had an outstanding time seeing a few good friends and otherwise making merry.

The first thing that struck me when I arrived at Penn Station (apart from the rolling bag of a hurried commuter) was the immense amount of collected beings. Living in the far corners of remote North Carolina for the past 6 weeks has heightened my awareness for the proximity and density of fellow homo sapiens. Naturally, the first words out of my mouth when I climbed the stairs into the main Amtrak platform was "holy shit that is a lot of people."

Strange how a few weeks away from the hustle and bustle can alter the way you perceive and react to those around you. As a citizen of the great metropolis I have walked by hundreds of thousands of people and it had never once occurred to me to acknowledge the magnitude of souls soldiering past me.

Similarly, 6 weeks "up the country" allowed my ears to adjust to a reasonable volume for a day's worth of activities. Even after such a short reprieve, the first five minutes waiting for the 1 train nearly deafened me. At this moment it became irrevocably clear: the outlandishly loud nature of New York has to be considered one of the primary reasons why said denizens tend to speak in volumes of either loud, louder, or loudest. Everyone is at minimum moderately deaf.

Anyway, in all the excitement I forgot to take some pictures while I was there, but a friend was able to shoot this short video of Kev and I hanging out with some of the local talent.



After that things got hazy, but before I fled over the 69th Street Bridge someone snapped this photo of me:


ETA: Did anyone know that James Park is actually the Duke of New York? Here is a picture of his car.

The 100% Gauranteed Wanderlust Training Regimine

As you might imagine, in addition to acquiring the necessary gear and booking the travel, it is exceptionally important to take time to first prepare yourself mentally and physically. Travel pundits will often disagree about the specifics of preparation for such adventures, however, one common theme runs constant through most preparatory guides: your training program should emulate the types of activities you will be undertaking during your travels. Naturally, if you plan to backpack it makes sense to spend some time romping around with a laden backpack prior to your departure- perhaps even outdoors or, dare I say, on unpaved and varied terrain.

With that guiding principle in mind, the best thing any intrepid traveler can do to prepare themselves is to design a program specific to their needs and expectations. Described below is the process undertaken to arrive at the 100% Guaranteed Wanderlust Training Program. Feel free to use this as a guide and adapt the program to your own personal desires.

Step 1: Know Your Destination. Before you begin preparing your training regimen it is paramount to understand the implications and nuances of the location(s) you plan to travel. This will impact not only what you need to do to prepare, but also what you can expect to encounter when you arrive. For example, if you are planning to travel through Iceland, you can naturally expect to find ice- which means one less item you need to pack. In my case, I'm planning to travel through Spain, Portugal, and then France.

Accordingly, before I began preparing my training regimen, I spent a considerable amount of time researching my destinations to saturate myself with general knowledge such as the topography, infrastructure, flora and fauna, weather patterns, local customs, cuisine and drink, count and ratio of attractive and available blondes, brunettes, and redheads between the ages of 18 and 28, and any other information I felt might be pertinent or useful. Undoubtedly, one of the best places to start is the World Almanac. A new edition has been published every year since 1868. I prefer the 1901 edition myself, but as the information contained therein is unchanged from year to year, any edition will do.

The World Almanac should provide you with basic information on the majority of topics useful in your trip. This excellent book should not, however, be the sole source in your information gathering. It is important to also discuss with others who have traveled to those locations, or if you don't know anyone who has traveled there, watch a film that takes place there or at least in a nearby or neighboring area. Also, don't be afraid to utilize the internet. It is a wonderful resource full of relevant (but often not commonplace) facts that you will surely find invaluable.

For example, it is well known that in France, especially cosmopolitan places such as Paris, American visitors are universally loved and revered. What is not as commonly known is that French people expect and desire to be addressed in a pithy and condescending manner by visitors. It is considered extremely rude to neglect this oft overlooked proper treatment, and the traditional Frenchman (or woman) is likely to be insulted by your lack of insolence.

Step 2: Design Your Program. After you have done your research and gathered the relevant and useful facts about your destination, you are ready to begin designing your training program. Of course your regimen should incorporate some element of physical training, but do not fail to incorporate other aspects such as improving your linguistic skills, training your digestive system to foreign foods, acclimating your alcohol tolerance levels to the appropriate forms and levels of drink, or learning which leering techniques work most favorably with the local ladies. The best training program will incorporate elements to prepare you for the tests of mettle that await you.

Step 3: Begin Training. You should engage in your training as often as possible, with the obvious exception being any conflicts with your social life. Travel gurus rarely come to a consensus on the duration your training period should last but most will agree that you need at minimum one week (or at least a long weekend) and no more than one calendar year. Apart from those guidelines, feel free to train to your comfort level but be sure you stick with it.

For the 100% Guaranteed Wanderlust Training Program, I have focused primarily on three dynamics in which I shall pursue with all due vigor. These three dynamics are: (1) physical training and exercise; (2) dietary training; and (3) libation consumption training.

As described in prior posts, the "plan" for my particular adventure is to make my way through Spain, Portugal, and France. This, undoubtedly, will necessitate at least moderate walking and up to and possibly including semi-strenuous hiking. As such, sitting on a couch eating leftover pizza, as exciting and enjoyable as that is, will simply not do. Despite my previous employment's tendency to make one sedentarily (yes I just made that word up) inclined, it is imperative for me to engage in a regular amount of physical activity.

Personally, I have elected to spend a few hours in the gym doing a variety of exercises as often as possible, and ultimately 6-8 weeks of training/practice hikes with my pack weighted with clothes or sand or midgets or whatever else I can find. This will allow me to build up cardio endurance while also becoming comfortable with my pack, boots, and other equipment. In the old days it was really important to spend a minimum of 3-4 weeks breaking in your equipment, especially your hiking boots. These days, boots are more technologically advanced to the point where such a lengthy breaking in period is not really necessary. That said, it's never a bad idea to commit an adequate amount of time to becoming comfortable with your gear. It certainly doesn't make much sense to have no idea how to set up your tent or in which end of the sleeping bag you should put your head.

When you are planning your own training program, feel free to add/eliminate certain activities based on your particular plans. For example, if you don't plan to do much backpacking you may need less time practicing with and becoming comfortable with your gear. Your agenda may be, instead, geared toward a significant amount of time dancing in night clubs. If so, your training program should probably include some dance classes, and of course significant practice, so that your body is fully prepared for the continuous onslaught of boogying and hellraising to German euro-techno, and by-association, avoiding (or gobbling up if so preferred) overly hairy, cologned, and tanned Spanish men.

As mentioned above, when designing your program it is paramount to tailor it to your destination. Accordingly, for the diet portion of my regiment, I've begun adapting my cuisine to mimic the tastes I'm likely to experience on my journey. For example, in Spain paella (pronounced 'pie-ey-a') is an exceptionally popular dish consisting of various forms of seafood and rice (or occasionally other meats and vegetables depending on where in the country you are eating it).

To season my digestive for this culinary treat, I've attempted to incorporate it into my weekly food regimen. Unfortunately, I haven't had much access to seafood or meats or vegetables or Spanish rice. I do, however, have an immense amount of instant white rice which I have been consuming with ample amounts of red cayenne pepper seasoning as a substitute. I know what you're thinking and yes, while its not EXACTLY paella, I feel it's close enough that to argue otherwise would be nothing more than splitting hairs. Similarly, to prepare myself for French cuisine I've taken to regularly consuming the staples of French sustenance: baguettes, coffee, and a pack of unfiltered cigarettes.

Finally, if you consider yourself to be a man of the drink, which I certainly do, it is imperative to harden your palate and tolerance to the libations specific to your destination. In Spain, its well known that nothing quite exemplifies a perfect night/day out more than consuming excessive portions of very bad cheap red wine. With that in mind, I have undertaken my first serious foray into American boxed red wine. For between $16-19 you can get a full five liters of fairly strong and (relatively) drinkable wine.

One of the more popular brands, Franzia, comes in a number of types- some well known varieties of wine such as Chardonnay, Cabernet Souvignon, Shiraz, and Zinfindel. It is also available in other varieties (flavors?) which I have never before encountered, such as "Sunset Blush," "Refreshing White," and "Chillable Red." While I have no idea what type of wine (or even grape) constitutes a "chillable red" or "refreshing white," I have no doubt that they are equally cheap and marginally drinkable, which for the price is really all you need.

Similarly, the discerning and traveling drinker must temper his or her stomach against the assault of foreign spirits and liqueurs. In Portugal, any man worth his salt will regularly throw back rounds of aguardente (a spirit often distilled of wine byproduct similar to grappa) without hesitation. While I've never tried this product, from my experiences with grappa this stuff is certain to put hair on your chest, not to mention double as an excellent cleanser for plumbing. The trick to drinking round after round of a strong foreign spirit is to first partake in a tablespoon of olive oil to coat the stomach lining and slow the absorption of gasoline- I mean aguardente.

From port in Porto (or Oporto if you will), to sherry in Jerez, to Absinthe in Paris, the traveling drinker must be prepared to imbibe like the locals and do so heavily. To compensate, I'm training my stomach to be able to consume a variety and mix of liquors by... consuming a variety and mix of liquors. This, of course, should explain why updating Wanderlust with posts has been few and far between of late. As I'm sure you can imagine dear reader(s), employing a strict daily regimen of exercise, unsettling foods, and mass quantities of cheap wine and exotic liquors doesn't leave much time for anything else. Yet, I urge you to have faith. Sometime soon the training shall end and the true adventure will begin.

Tools of the Trade

So in preparing for this type of endeavor, I've been thinking about what types of gear I will need to make the most of the adventure (and ensure that I won't freeze to death or other such gruesome misfortune). Below is a preliminary list that I think will apply to all intrepid travelers such as myself setting out on a similar journey:

1. Good hiking/trekking shoes: When planning to be on your feet for several months on end, nothing is more important than acquiring the right pair of shoes. They should be light, comfortable, durable, preferably waterproof, and most importantly NOT sandals. I love sandals at least as much as the next chap, but the last thing you want is to be hiking through the woods and step on a venomous snake which promptly sinks its fangs into your exposed foot. Or alternatively, passing out after a night of heavy drinking in a foreign city only to awaken to a local hobo mistaking your dirt encrusted foot as a discarded turkey leg.

2. A Pack: With a background of five years of business traveling, it's naturally tempting to envision an experience on this trip similar to the countless journeys to Chicago, Atlanta, Dallas, or middle-of-nowhere-Missouri. Simply throw your belongings haphazardly into a rolling bag and let the local taxi drivers whisk you away to your awaiting hotel for a hot shower and a cocktail before mealtime. Unfortunately, this expedition does not come with room service or unlimited free taxis- so the travel package of choice must be inherently portable on all types of terrain. Carrying a rolling bag is going to produce difficulties similar to this Miller Lite commercial. And, like in the commercial, you will most assuredly come across at least three equipped young gentlemen to laugh at your misfortune. Accordingly, a pack is the necessary outfitting here- comfortable, waterproof, durable, and most importantly, the right size to accommodate all necessary belongings (such as clothes, toiletries, food and water, phone, computer, and of course your collection of vintage porn magazines).

3. Foreign Language Phrase Dictionary: Preferably in the language of the country you are visiting, but in a pinch any language will do. I've had great success in the past speaking the wrong language but in the general accent of the language you wish to achieve. Try it with Spanish in an Italian accent or Portuguese in a French accent. Regardless of the language you choose, the most important thing is to be able to say common phrases such as "where is the bathroom?", "how much is this?", "please, thank you", "you are a very sexy lady, can I buy you a drink and another drink and a taxi to my hostel?", "don't you have anything stronger than a beer, I've got a hangover for christsake!", or "hello. my name is Inigo Montoya. you killed my father. prepare to die."

4. Jacket & Sleeping Bag: I combine these two items because of a single aforementioned imperative- the need for warmth. I have made this critical error once before while camping in Wyoming. When I embarked from North Carolina it was a balmy 90 degrees- certainly I wouldn't be needing a jacket in the middle of August... well except for the trivial and oft overlooked detail of topography. The temperature is generally colder the closer you get to the sun? Impossible! Nope, possible. Accordingly, it is critical to carry a warm comfortable (and preferably layered) jacket as well as a sleeping bag appropriate for a wide range of temperatures just in case you, like my ghost of camping past, are an idiot and forget that mountains are cold.

5. Computer: This serves three purposes. One, and most obviously, it allows you to keep in touch with friends and family members as well as former work colleagues to periodically remind them that you are still in fact no longer employed with the company and plan to continue to enjoy your transient retirement. Two, if you happen to have a travel blog with a litany (or in my case maybe just one) follower(s), it is important to have the necessary access to update them on all the interesting things you are doing- such as a photo of the muffin I ate for breakfast, or a recounting of my adventures visiting the most cliche of tourist attractions, or a description of the woes that befall me such a blister on my toe or getting rained on or waking up to a hobo licking my feet. Finally, and most importantly of course, you'll need a computer to access your backup archives should something unfortunate happen to your collection of vintage porn.

6. Beard: An underrated element to be sure, but one that should not be overlooked by the discerning traveler. A beard tells people several things. One, that you either don't own a razor or are too lazy to use it. Two, that you've likely been traveling for a while and are thereby a crafty seasoned traveling vet. Three, because of your presumed status, you are likely to order interesting foods and cocktails and know a host of obscure places to have an outstanding time. And finally, a beard tells people "this man has a story to tell" which will be immensely important when effectuating item 7 below. Also- beards will keep your face warm outside of your sleeping bag and can be shaved off in a pinch if you find yourself suddenly at odds with, and being pursued by, the authorities.

7. Passport and a Story: Perhaps the most quintessentially important thing you need for any trip abroad is a passport. For those unaware, a passport is a little book issued at a ridiculous fee over an excruciatingly long period of time by the government of your home country. It contains your name, picture, other various information about you, and most critically, usually prevents you from being detained, interrogated, strip searched, deported, or all of the above when you reach your foreign destination. Many so-called travel gurus will advise you to make copies of your passport and keep them both on you in paper form as well as accessible electronically should anything go awry. I also like to recommend having one, or several if you like, backup stories to tell to the authorities to help ease your transition into or out of a country. One of my old favorites for the southern coast of Spain is "I had volunteered as a spotter for pirates on a vessel providing relief supplies to war-ridden and famished African countries when our ship was raided and sunk off the coast of Dakar. I washed up somewhere near Mbour, Senegal without any of my belongings but was able to barter my way into a ride with a local fish merchant to El Jadida, Morocco by acquiring several large coconuts from the top of a precariously tall tree. After arriving in El Jadida I stowed away in a container ship bound for Cadiz and have made my way here on foot." Also, to add sympathy, it's never a bad idea to claim to have been delayed finding the embassy of your home country due to saving orphans from a burning building.

The Plan

As soon as I announce this intrepid adventure to friends, family, and coworkers, the immediate response I get is "so what's the plan?" Great question. In point of fact the plan is that there is no real plan, and that is by design. It may seem ridcubsurd to many but to me the main point of this transient retirement is to get out there and just wing it. Let the cards fall as they may so to speak.

So it's pretty hard to let the cards fall as they may if you've rigged the deck. That said, it would be somewhat foolhardy to charge into foreign countries without at least a little planning- not to mention the potential visa issues one could run into. This is of course magnified if you are, say, me, and are thereby known for spending a considerable amount of time rabble-rousing at the international watering holes and mixing it up with the locals for better or worse.

With that in mind, I've done some nominal research and decided that for the first stint (April 4 - June 25) I am going to prioritize Spain, Portugal, and France. I could be tempted to head to other countries or perhaps even dip into Northern Africa (always wanted to wash up in Tangier), but for all intents and purposes the "plan" is to cover those three countries. As far as what I am going to do, that is also more or less up in the air at the moment. I do have a few set places/dates in mind.

1. Starting in Madrid on April 5 and, after touring the city, working my way northwest into Portugal and then more or less counter-clockwise through Portugal and Spain until I reach Barcelona.

2. The weekend of the 27th of May I plan to attend the Monaco Grand Prix in Monte Carlo.

3. The weekend of the 16th of June I plan to attend the 24 Hours of Le Mans in Le Mans, France.

Anyone who would like to accompany me for the second and third options (especially the third which should have an Oktoberfest-esque feel to it) are free to join! As for the rest of the time it will be spent split between being a tourist and volunteering through helpx.net. The ratio of which will depend upon several factors including what I'm in the mood for and how the cash is holding out.

For those interested here is a rough (hand edited!) map of where I may travel.

As far as what the "plan" is for stint two (July-November), that remains even more vague but there is a very reasonable chance I may make it to the 2012 Olympics in London. Aside from that, I'll post updates as I acquire items for the trip and the "plan" further materializes. Have courage dear reader(s).