Kunming & Nanning, China: Exploring China's Nether Regions

The train rolls into the station at Lao Cai around 6am. Our bunk mates are already gone. Groggily we pack up our stuff and prepare to alight. Now is the moment of truth. I've done a significant amount of reading about navigating this overland border crossing into China. In the early 2000's it was possible to take a train directly from Ha Noi to Kunming in China with a dual stop at border crossings, but since an earthquake washed out part of the tracks in the Yunnan Province, you must now disembark at Lao Cai and physically walk into China. One could call it the back-door entry into China. I do. And it fires me up.

We exit the train and locate the tuk tuks. After negotiating a reasonable gouging we're make it to the border crossing station in short order, arriving at approximately 6:30am. The border crossing doesn't open until 7:00am so we queue up in what we assume is the foreigner line. There we meet two Canadians and a guy from Singapore who are also heading to Kunming. We decide to team up.

At precisely 7:00am the border patrol office opens. We proceed through in a quasi orderly and manageable fashion and are officially stamped out of Vietnam. From here we walk across a bridge that links Lao Cai with Hekou. At the other side of the bridge is the Chinese immigration border control. This is the moment I've been fearing- will the unreasonably generous visas issued to us by the Chinese embassy actually be honored or we languish in a Chinese prison for all eternity? We fill out the requisite paperwork and stand tenuously in line. Processing goes slowly but eventually all five of us clear border control. I try to tell my body to stop sweating.

From here I know we need to walk about half a mile up the main street of Hekou where we can find a bank and the mini-bus stop where we can catch a lift to the main bus station. Everything goes according to plan, we get our first of many fistfuls of Maos at a China Construction Bank and tread over to the supposed bus stop. Only, the bus never comes. We see it going the other direction but it never comes our way. Have they changed the route? You gotta be kidding me! Damnit! It was all going so smoothly!

I'm just about to fly off into a blind rage when a man in a cobbled-together truck pulls up. He offers to give us a lift to the bus station on the back of what we come to discover is his vegetable cart. We look around at each other knowingly- there is zero chance we're passing up the opportunity to ride on a vegetable cart through the streets of China within one hour of entering the country. So we chuck our packs on the cart and then position ourselves precariously on top of them. There is just enough room for all five of us to fit; we have to hold on to each other and the cart as there are no railings and each bump nearly sends one of us careening off the edge.

The ensuing ride to the bus station one of the most ridiculous things I've ever done- and I've done a lot of ridiculous things. It quickly becomes evident the Chinese agree with my sentiment as the passengers of almost every car passing us stare at this scene in a mixture of wonder, amusement, and horror. Welcome to China, ha HA! I'm already thinking it's freaking good to be back and I'm bursting with good vibes. I do love this country.

We eventually putter to the main bus station where we book passage on a 9:30am bus to Kunming. Since it's only about 8:00am we loiter around the station convenience store checking out the differences in Chinese versus Vietnamese wares. The first thing I notice is the massive section of baijiu, a Chinese clear liquor distilled from rice or sorghum. I wonder if we'll see large sections of this in nearly every store throughout China and how it will taste (spoiler: we do and horrible). 

We also notice a massive increase in the quantity of American-made snacks and products. I meander over to the beer section where I make a find that will become a running joke throughout all of China. Jon: "what kinds of beer do they have?" Me: "let's see... they've got Harbin, Tsingtao, Budweiser (whoo hoo!), and Snow beer." Jon: "I've never heard of Snow." Me: "Me either. Oh, they also have 'Mons' beer... oh... wait sorry, I was holding it upside down- this is Snow too." Jon: "Hahaha... you're an idiot." From this moment, on the very first day in China, Snow beer would henceforth be referred to as Mons. "Toss me a lukewarm Mons!" would become a well-heard battle cry.

We stock up on snacks and board the bus, a smart decision as it's a 9 to 10 hour ride to Kunming. Despite the lengthy ride it turns out to be one the best bus trips I've taken; every hour or so the scenery changes dramatically. Lush jungles give way to arid mountains which turn into deserts which become rock forests. I'm taken aback by what I'm seeing. 

I keep motioning to Jon to look out the window but he's busy persistently watching something on his laptop. Nevertheless, with my headphones in, simply looking out at the endlessly transitioning landscape keeps me occupied all the way to Kunming. We stop once at a hole-in-the-wall type Chinese rest stop. Myself and one of the Canadians roll the dice with some sort of meat and noodle soup dish. It's not great but it is crazy spicy. I figure one way or another it's going to be a rough morning.

In Kunming I get to test out my China public bus navigation skills for the first time. As Kunming isn't a huge international tourist destination city, the vast majority of bus stop signs and street signs are only in Chinese. Thankfully I know the characters for the stop we need and figure it out with time to spare. Our hostel turns out to be one of the cooler hostels we've stayed in, boasting a ping pong table, pool table, restaurant, bar, and impromptu watermelon eating contest.

We enjoy our welcome beers and call it an early night. The next day in Kunming is consumed almost entirely of errands. Jon broke his glasses so we seek out a spare pair. The eyeglass shop proves to be too expensive but we eventually find him a pair of replacement spectacles at Walmart for $40. My task of the day is to locate a Chinese sim card for my phone which we eventually do but not before being duped out of  $15 for a non-3G sim. Come on China! (Pro Tip: If you go to China and want to buy a sim card, China Unicom is the only one to trust)

The next morning we decide to check out the Xishan Park where we understand there is a cascading series of temples on the edges of a cliff culminating with one known as the Dragon's Gate. Before making our way to the gate we stop at the base of the park where we spot Nie Er's tomb. Nie Er was the composer of China's current national anthem.

I'm thrilled about the day. I love being outdoors and I'm elated to discover there is a sizable chair lift to take us up to the top of the park.

The view from the top is, as anticipated, spectacular. You can see out over Lake Dian all the way back to Kunming proper (to the middle-left shrouded gently in smog). 

Flange and I even pose for a photo opp together.

We begin traversing our way through the series of tunnels and stairways. I turn around and get a shot of the Dragon's Gate itself. It's a long long long way down from that cliff.

For the next few hours we progress slowly down through the temple complex and to the main park entrance. From there we catch the bus back toward the parking lot and, with the help of my trusty google translate app, convince the driver to drop us off about 2/3 of the way down so we can check out the Huating Temple. 

The temple has two really cool features: (1) a secret passageway through the forest behind the temple up to another temple in the woods; and (2) some awesome wood screens depicting various stories from the story Journey to the West.

After perusing the temple grounds and saying hello to the many monks attending to landscaping and cleaning duties, we walk the remainder of the way down the hill and take the bus back to Kunming. We rip a few beers procured from the local bodega and make arguably our biggest decision of the trip: to ante up the fee to go to the "Dwarf Kingdom" or "Land of the Little People" or "Midget Theme Park" in the morning. Yes, it really exists. Want proof? Here is the opening dance sequence. That little fella in the cape coming around the letter in the middle is the King. Yes, there is a King.

They put on a show for about 45 minutes. A guy comes out and break dances. There is a Gangnam Style guy. A dwarf tango number. A dwarf boy band. Yes, we capture all of this on video. It is incredible; frankly they're pretty good dancers. I should also note at this point that we unknowingly choose to go on a day when seemingly all the neighboring elementary schools decide to have a field trip. It is us, some teachers, and about 2,000 10 year olds. And yes, I realize can barely finish writing that last sentence before some of my esteemed readers can fire off a joke. There's no way around it, and it gets way more awkward before it gets better.

As we're the only non-Chinese in the crowd we receive nearly more attention than the performers. At one point two kids come up and offer us candy (yea... irony, yes, yes). Then more kids approach and more until this snowballs to the point where we've got a pile of candy and other snacks between us. It would take us a week to eat all of it. But the kids won't leave us alone. One young fella in a hat that resembles the Mario flying cap from Super Mario 64 keeps jumping into the video and attacking Jon.

At the end of the show one of the boys is hanging around and we offer him some of our newly gifted stash. Then some of his friends come over and this gives way to a ravenous take-all. And just like that, within minutes all of it is gone. A self-induced redistribution of wealth by the children. The good Chairman would be proud.

After wandering around the rest of the park we ride back into Kunming and take a stroll around the city itself. Our first stop is Yuantong Temple built in the early 9th century. 

The most impressive element is the pond surrounding the central pagoda which is mostly drained during our visit. From the central pagoda there is a bridge across the pond to the front (above) and a second one directly behind it leading to the main altar.

The only part of the pond that has any water is the west side. I pop off another panorama (a feature I'm really beginning to love) which turns out to be the best shot of the temple.

We exit the temple and wind around the Green Lake. Across one of the bridges to the pavilion area there is some sort of exotic festival going on. Half-dressed people dance and sing traditional songs and... not-so-traditional songs. I get a ton of awesome footage but again no pictures. Someday I'll link some of the more absurd videos back to the Wanderlust. In the meantime, here are some dancing Chinese grandmas.

That night we raid the hostel bar and do some damage which puts me in the proper mood for writing. I order a round of dumplings and a few rounds of beer and get to grinding out what will be the last significant work I'll do on Wanderlust. That was April 27. 

The next morning we embark on our first train ride in China- a 10.5 hour journey from Kunming to Nanning. And since we're on a budget we've decided to forgo first class, a sleeper car, and even second class. That's right, we're training around China in 3rd class, the class where people are allowed to bring huge boxes of live crickets and smoke in the cars, the class where people stand in the aisles and sleep on top of one another, the class of the people, the greatest class there is.

The ride starts off a bit slowly so Jon and I decide to head down to the cafe car and check out the digs. I'll be damned if the beer of choice aboard the 3rd class train car in China isn't PBR. See? Americans and Chinese aren't so different after all. While it's not Coors Light, Flange is thrilled to get a solid working-man's American beer.

Aboard the train Jon and I are seated across from two middle-age Chinese ladies. To pass the time I suggest that we teach them how to play Egyptian Rat Screw. So with the help of google translate we begin the process of instructing them. After about half an hour they've got it mastered and I've come to learn that nothing will create a ruckus on a train in China like a loud game of cards. 

Our third game goes on for nearly 3 hours. Every time we're almost out- someone slaps back in and starts the process anew. By the time we call it a night there are probably 15-20 onlookers crowded around our seats. For all I know someone could have been taking bets.

The train finally rumbles into Nanning around 11:30pm. The hotel Jon booked is supposedly fairly close to the station but we can't find it for the life of us. We walk up and down the main drag, double check the directions in a McDonald's, and eventually start walking back to the station when a man approaches asking if we are looking for the hotel. He takes us through two sets of security doors, up a very sketchy elevator and into an impossibly more sketchy hallway which leads onto a roof and in through a hole in another building where somewhere along a hall marked with construction offices and makeshift dental facilities we locate our "hotel room."

Once inside, the room itself isn't terrible. It's fairly clean, there's laundry, a kitchen, and a bathroom (with an Asian-style toilet). The people running this "hotel" seem nice enough and offer us some really cheap ice cold beers. Upon scanning the premises, however, it's clear this is less of a tourist "hotel" and more of a hooker meet-up venue. But we're here for two nights so we can bear it. 

The next morning the hallway provides a stark reminder to be mindful of our surroundings. It seems as if a person was murdered in that hallway as recently as ten minutes ago. We move cautiously toward the elevator which finally arrives jam-packed with people. We elect to take the stairs and immediately regret the decision, expecting someone to leap from the shadows and stab us at any moment. 

Out on the street the scene is less threatening albeit extremely crowded and devoid of any scenic beauty. We lumber through the crowds up the main drag which is torn up in the construction of a new subway line. Is that a colossal Kobe Bryant??

"What is there to do in Nanning?" Jon asks. "Nothing as far as I know," I reply. "Then why the hell are we here?!" Jon queries. "Well, we need a stop-over to Guilin and I thought it might be nice to chill for a couple of days after Vietnam and the trek and Kunming." Later that day I would be lectured about my leisurely travel pace. From Nanning on I would be required to make a concerted effort to plan more, see more, do more, and move faster.

Personally I don't like this approach but it's a team effort. To be honest I'm growing weary of my responsibilities on this trip. Jon offers little to no assistance unless I simply demand it. Moreover, it's a very tricky proposition managing daily cash-burn versus sightseeing accomplishments. For instance, for a ton of money you can accomplish a ton in a single day. Or, you can space it out and accomplish the same amount for less over time. Plus, kill days lower the average daily cash-burn rate. None of this seems to impact my compatriot. He want's to go faster, so I concede.

Back on the streets of Nanning, not sure what to do we just keep walking. There really isn't much to see. There are some decent views from one of the main bridges across the river. A red balloon floats along the ground just in front of us. The air is melancholy. We stop to look back. The skies appear dark, foreboding, threatening. We force it.

We manage maybe another half a mile before they open up. The rain is coming down so hard and there is so much wind we can't even walk without getting soaked from our waists down. We stand near a bench under some trees and shelter ourselves as best we can. 

Eventually it lets up enough for us to make a dash into the nearest building- a public library. We loiter in the entrance looking suspicious until the rain stops. Soaked and sorry we call it a day and hike back to the hotel. We spot a Walmart and storm in to acquire foodstuffs and auxiliary supplies (beer, wine, liquor and lots of it). On the way home we notice a horrifying image- some sort of waste runoff being channeled into the river. I don't even want to know what it is. 

Needless to say China's pollution control standards are still a bit... uh, relaxed. Fully stocked we hole up in the hotel for the rest of the day and the following day. We do laundry, clean out our packs from SE Asia, upload pictures, plan out the trip through Shanghai, and generally recuperate. Well, except for rampaging on beer, wine, and really spicy ramen. But that's just the type of recuperation I need.

Overall I wouldn't recommend Nanning more than as a one-night stopover. Or, better yet, spend the extra cash for a sleeping berth and go straight from Kunming to Guilin. In any event, we're slated for another early morning train ride in 3rd class, only this time, we have no seats... so there's that to look forward to.

Bonus Photo: The best version of this hat I've seen in all of Asia. Notably not only was it light-reflective, it served this woman as a cranial-affixed umbrella substitute.

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