The 100% Gauranteed Wanderlust Training Regimine

As you might imagine, in addition to acquiring the necessary gear and booking the travel, it is exceptionally important to take time to first prepare yourself mentally and physically. Travel pundits will often disagree about the specifics of preparation for such adventures, however, one common theme runs constant through most preparatory guides: your training program should emulate the types of activities you will be undertaking during your travels. Naturally, if you plan to backpack it makes sense to spend some time romping around with a laden backpack prior to your departure- perhaps even outdoors or, dare I say, on unpaved and varied terrain.

With that guiding principle in mind, the best thing any intrepid traveler can do to prepare themselves is to design a program specific to their needs and expectations. Described below is the process undertaken to arrive at the 100% Guaranteed Wanderlust Training Program. Feel free to use this as a guide and adapt the program to your own personal desires.

Step 1: Know Your Destination. Before you begin preparing your training regimen it is paramount to understand the implications and nuances of the location(s) you plan to travel. This will impact not only what you need to do to prepare, but also what you can expect to encounter when you arrive. For example, if you are planning to travel through Iceland, you can naturally expect to find ice- which means one less item you need to pack. In my case, I'm planning to travel through Spain, Portugal, and then France.

Accordingly, before I began preparing my training regimen, I spent a considerable amount of time researching my destinations to saturate myself with general knowledge such as the topography, infrastructure, flora and fauna, weather patterns, local customs, cuisine and drink, count and ratio of attractive and available blondes, brunettes, and redheads between the ages of 18 and 28, and any other information I felt might be pertinent or useful. Undoubtedly, one of the best places to start is the World Almanac. A new edition has been published every year since 1868. I prefer the 1901 edition myself, but as the information contained therein is unchanged from year to year, any edition will do.

The World Almanac should provide you with basic information on the majority of topics useful in your trip. This excellent book should not, however, be the sole source in your information gathering. It is important to also discuss with others who have traveled to those locations, or if you don't know anyone who has traveled there, watch a film that takes place there or at least in a nearby or neighboring area. Also, don't be afraid to utilize the internet. It is a wonderful resource full of relevant (but often not commonplace) facts that you will surely find invaluable.

For example, it is well known that in France, especially cosmopolitan places such as Paris, American visitors are universally loved and revered. What is not as commonly known is that French people expect and desire to be addressed in a pithy and condescending manner by visitors. It is considered extremely rude to neglect this oft overlooked proper treatment, and the traditional Frenchman (or woman) is likely to be insulted by your lack of insolence.

Step 2: Design Your Program. After you have done your research and gathered the relevant and useful facts about your destination, you are ready to begin designing your training program. Of course your regimen should incorporate some element of physical training, but do not fail to incorporate other aspects such as improving your linguistic skills, training your digestive system to foreign foods, acclimating your alcohol tolerance levels to the appropriate forms and levels of drink, or learning which leering techniques work most favorably with the local ladies. The best training program will incorporate elements to prepare you for the tests of mettle that await you.

Step 3: Begin Training. You should engage in your training as often as possible, with the obvious exception being any conflicts with your social life. Travel gurus rarely come to a consensus on the duration your training period should last but most will agree that you need at minimum one week (or at least a long weekend) and no more than one calendar year. Apart from those guidelines, feel free to train to your comfort level but be sure you stick with it.

For the 100% Guaranteed Wanderlust Training Program, I have focused primarily on three dynamics in which I shall pursue with all due vigor. These three dynamics are: (1) physical training and exercise; (2) dietary training; and (3) libation consumption training.

As described in prior posts, the "plan" for my particular adventure is to make my way through Spain, Portugal, and France. This, undoubtedly, will necessitate at least moderate walking and up to and possibly including semi-strenuous hiking. As such, sitting on a couch eating leftover pizza, as exciting and enjoyable as that is, will simply not do. Despite my previous employment's tendency to make one sedentarily (yes I just made that word up) inclined, it is imperative for me to engage in a regular amount of physical activity.

Personally, I have elected to spend a few hours in the gym doing a variety of exercises as often as possible, and ultimately 6-8 weeks of training/practice hikes with my pack weighted with clothes or sand or midgets or whatever else I can find. This will allow me to build up cardio endurance while also becoming comfortable with my pack, boots, and other equipment. In the old days it was really important to spend a minimum of 3-4 weeks breaking in your equipment, especially your hiking boots. These days, boots are more technologically advanced to the point where such a lengthy breaking in period is not really necessary. That said, it's never a bad idea to commit an adequate amount of time to becoming comfortable with your gear. It certainly doesn't make much sense to have no idea how to set up your tent or in which end of the sleeping bag you should put your head.

When you are planning your own training program, feel free to add/eliminate certain activities based on your particular plans. For example, if you don't plan to do much backpacking you may need less time practicing with and becoming comfortable with your gear. Your agenda may be, instead, geared toward a significant amount of time dancing in night clubs. If so, your training program should probably include some dance classes, and of course significant practice, so that your body is fully prepared for the continuous onslaught of boogying and hellraising to German euro-techno, and by-association, avoiding (or gobbling up if so preferred) overly hairy, cologned, and tanned Spanish men.

As mentioned above, when designing your program it is paramount to tailor it to your destination. Accordingly, for the diet portion of my regiment, I've begun adapting my cuisine to mimic the tastes I'm likely to experience on my journey. For example, in Spain paella (pronounced 'pie-ey-a') is an exceptionally popular dish consisting of various forms of seafood and rice (or occasionally other meats and vegetables depending on where in the country you are eating it).

To season my digestive for this culinary treat, I've attempted to incorporate it into my weekly food regimen. Unfortunately, I haven't had much access to seafood or meats or vegetables or Spanish rice. I do, however, have an immense amount of instant white rice which I have been consuming with ample amounts of red cayenne pepper seasoning as a substitute. I know what you're thinking and yes, while its not EXACTLY paella, I feel it's close enough that to argue otherwise would be nothing more than splitting hairs. Similarly, to prepare myself for French cuisine I've taken to regularly consuming the staples of French sustenance: baguettes, coffee, and a pack of unfiltered cigarettes.

Finally, if you consider yourself to be a man of the drink, which I certainly do, it is imperative to harden your palate and tolerance to the libations specific to your destination. In Spain, its well known that nothing quite exemplifies a perfect night/day out more than consuming excessive portions of very bad cheap red wine. With that in mind, I have undertaken my first serious foray into American boxed red wine. For between $16-19 you can get a full five liters of fairly strong and (relatively) drinkable wine.

One of the more popular brands, Franzia, comes in a number of types- some well known varieties of wine such as Chardonnay, Cabernet Souvignon, Shiraz, and Zinfindel. It is also available in other varieties (flavors?) which I have never before encountered, such as "Sunset Blush," "Refreshing White," and "Chillable Red." While I have no idea what type of wine (or even grape) constitutes a "chillable red" or "refreshing white," I have no doubt that they are equally cheap and marginally drinkable, which for the price is really all you need.

Similarly, the discerning and traveling drinker must temper his or her stomach against the assault of foreign spirits and liqueurs. In Portugal, any man worth his salt will regularly throw back rounds of aguardente (a spirit often distilled of wine byproduct similar to grappa) without hesitation. While I've never tried this product, from my experiences with grappa this stuff is certain to put hair on your chest, not to mention double as an excellent cleanser for plumbing. The trick to drinking round after round of a strong foreign spirit is to first partake in a tablespoon of olive oil to coat the stomach lining and slow the absorption of gasoline- I mean aguardente.

From port in Porto (or Oporto if you will), to sherry in Jerez, to Absinthe in Paris, the traveling drinker must be prepared to imbibe like the locals and do so heavily. To compensate, I'm training my stomach to be able to consume a variety and mix of liquors by... consuming a variety and mix of liquors. This, of course, should explain why updating Wanderlust with posts has been few and far between of late. As I'm sure you can imagine dear reader(s), employing a strict daily regimen of exercise, unsettling foods, and mass quantities of cheap wine and exotic liquors doesn't leave much time for anything else. Yet, I urge you to have faith. Sometime soon the training shall end and the true adventure will begin.

Tools of the Trade

So in preparing for this type of endeavor, I've been thinking about what types of gear I will need to make the most of the adventure (and ensure that I won't freeze to death or other such gruesome misfortune). Below is a preliminary list that I think will apply to all intrepid travelers such as myself setting out on a similar journey:

1. Good hiking/trekking shoes: When planning to be on your feet for several months on end, nothing is more important than acquiring the right pair of shoes. They should be light, comfortable, durable, preferably waterproof, and most importantly NOT sandals. I love sandals at least as much as the next chap, but the last thing you want is to be hiking through the woods and step on a venomous snake which promptly sinks its fangs into your exposed foot. Or alternatively, passing out after a night of heavy drinking in a foreign city only to awaken to a local hobo mistaking your dirt encrusted foot as a discarded turkey leg.

2. A Pack: With a background of five years of business traveling, it's naturally tempting to envision an experience on this trip similar to the countless journeys to Chicago, Atlanta, Dallas, or middle-of-nowhere-Missouri. Simply throw your belongings haphazardly into a rolling bag and let the local taxi drivers whisk you away to your awaiting hotel for a hot shower and a cocktail before mealtime. Unfortunately, this expedition does not come with room service or unlimited free taxis- so the travel package of choice must be inherently portable on all types of terrain. Carrying a rolling bag is going to produce difficulties similar to this Miller Lite commercial. And, like in the commercial, you will most assuredly come across at least three equipped young gentlemen to laugh at your misfortune. Accordingly, a pack is the necessary outfitting here- comfortable, waterproof, durable, and most importantly, the right size to accommodate all necessary belongings (such as clothes, toiletries, food and water, phone, computer, and of course your collection of vintage porn magazines).

3. Foreign Language Phrase Dictionary: Preferably in the language of the country you are visiting, but in a pinch any language will do. I've had great success in the past speaking the wrong language but in the general accent of the language you wish to achieve. Try it with Spanish in an Italian accent or Portuguese in a French accent. Regardless of the language you choose, the most important thing is to be able to say common phrases such as "where is the bathroom?", "how much is this?", "please, thank you", "you are a very sexy lady, can I buy you a drink and another drink and a taxi to my hostel?", "don't you have anything stronger than a beer, I've got a hangover for christsake!", or "hello. my name is Inigo Montoya. you killed my father. prepare to die."

4. Jacket & Sleeping Bag: I combine these two items because of a single aforementioned imperative- the need for warmth. I have made this critical error once before while camping in Wyoming. When I embarked from North Carolina it was a balmy 90 degrees- certainly I wouldn't be needing a jacket in the middle of August... well except for the trivial and oft overlooked detail of topography. The temperature is generally colder the closer you get to the sun? Impossible! Nope, possible. Accordingly, it is critical to carry a warm comfortable (and preferably layered) jacket as well as a sleeping bag appropriate for a wide range of temperatures just in case you, like my ghost of camping past, are an idiot and forget that mountains are cold.

5. Computer: This serves three purposes. One, and most obviously, it allows you to keep in touch with friends and family members as well as former work colleagues to periodically remind them that you are still in fact no longer employed with the company and plan to continue to enjoy your transient retirement. Two, if you happen to have a travel blog with a litany (or in my case maybe just one) follower(s), it is important to have the necessary access to update them on all the interesting things you are doing- such as a photo of the muffin I ate for breakfast, or a recounting of my adventures visiting the most cliche of tourist attractions, or a description of the woes that befall me such a blister on my toe or getting rained on or waking up to a hobo licking my feet. Finally, and most importantly of course, you'll need a computer to access your backup archives should something unfortunate happen to your collection of vintage porn.

6. Beard: An underrated element to be sure, but one that should not be overlooked by the discerning traveler. A beard tells people several things. One, that you either don't own a razor or are too lazy to use it. Two, that you've likely been traveling for a while and are thereby a crafty seasoned traveling vet. Three, because of your presumed status, you are likely to order interesting foods and cocktails and know a host of obscure places to have an outstanding time. And finally, a beard tells people "this man has a story to tell" which will be immensely important when effectuating item 7 below. Also- beards will keep your face warm outside of your sleeping bag and can be shaved off in a pinch if you find yourself suddenly at odds with, and being pursued by, the authorities.

7. Passport and a Story: Perhaps the most quintessentially important thing you need for any trip abroad is a passport. For those unaware, a passport is a little book issued at a ridiculous fee over an excruciatingly long period of time by the government of your home country. It contains your name, picture, other various information about you, and most critically, usually prevents you from being detained, interrogated, strip searched, deported, or all of the above when you reach your foreign destination. Many so-called travel gurus will advise you to make copies of your passport and keep them both on you in paper form as well as accessible electronically should anything go awry. I also like to recommend having one, or several if you like, backup stories to tell to the authorities to help ease your transition into or out of a country. One of my old favorites for the southern coast of Spain is "I had volunteered as a spotter for pirates on a vessel providing relief supplies to war-ridden and famished African countries when our ship was raided and sunk off the coast of Dakar. I washed up somewhere near Mbour, Senegal without any of my belongings but was able to barter my way into a ride with a local fish merchant to El Jadida, Morocco by acquiring several large coconuts from the top of a precariously tall tree. After arriving in El Jadida I stowed away in a container ship bound for Cadiz and have made my way here on foot." Also, to add sympathy, it's never a bad idea to claim to have been delayed finding the embassy of your home country due to saving orphans from a burning building.

The Plan

As soon as I announce this intrepid adventure to friends, family, and coworkers, the immediate response I get is "so what's the plan?" Great question. In point of fact the plan is that there is no real plan, and that is by design. It may seem ridcubsurd to many but to me the main point of this transient retirement is to get out there and just wing it. Let the cards fall as they may so to speak.

So it's pretty hard to let the cards fall as they may if you've rigged the deck. That said, it would be somewhat foolhardy to charge into foreign countries without at least a little planning- not to mention the potential visa issues one could run into. This is of course magnified if you are, say, me, and are thereby known for spending a considerable amount of time rabble-rousing at the international watering holes and mixing it up with the locals for better or worse.

With that in mind, I've done some nominal research and decided that for the first stint (April 4 - June 25) I am going to prioritize Spain, Portugal, and France. I could be tempted to head to other countries or perhaps even dip into Northern Africa (always wanted to wash up in Tangier), but for all intents and purposes the "plan" is to cover those three countries. As far as what I am going to do, that is also more or less up in the air at the moment. I do have a few set places/dates in mind.

1. Starting in Madrid on April 5 and, after touring the city, working my way northwest into Portugal and then more or less counter-clockwise through Portugal and Spain until I reach Barcelona.

2. The weekend of the 27th of May I plan to attend the Monaco Grand Prix in Monte Carlo.

3. The weekend of the 16th of June I plan to attend the 24 Hours of Le Mans in Le Mans, France.

Anyone who would like to accompany me for the second and third options (especially the third which should have an Oktoberfest-esque feel to it) are free to join! As for the rest of the time it will be spent split between being a tourist and volunteering through helpx.net. The ratio of which will depend upon several factors including what I'm in the mood for and how the cash is holding out.

For those interested here is a rough (hand edited!) map of where I may travel.

As far as what the "plan" is for stint two (July-November), that remains even more vague but there is a very reasonable chance I may make it to the 2012 Olympics in London. Aside from that, I'll post updates as I acquire items for the trip and the "plan" further materializes. Have courage dear reader(s).